Oh, The Pain!!!

this wating is killing me. i have the ultrasound scheduled for tuesday (9/25) and then i have to wait until the following monday (10/1) to find out the results of it and my blood tests. i'm trying to keep myself busy but it's not working. not to mention that if my body acted somewhat normal that it would be much easier.

on thursday (after feeling dull pain in my right side all day) i went to shoprite late in the evening with my neighbor. as i walked through the aisles my dull pain quickly turned into sharp pains that almost brought me to my knees with every step i took. by the time i was at the register, i was so nauseous that i'm sure my face was turning all kinds of colors. all i wanted to do was sit. we got to the car (might i add that every step felt like my uterus was being stabbed), "ah relief!"...yeah right! that car ride home was not pleasant at all, and to top it off we wound up with a flat tire on a major highway. once i got home and struggled to put the perishables away i tried to lay down. that didn't work either. i had to take a Naproxen and wait it out until the pain dulled about an hour later. by then i was wide awake (1 am) and felt as though i had a fever but nothing was registering, my temp was normal. then on friday (my 28th birthday) i felt so crappy and still had tenderness in my tummy area...happy birthday to me! the entire time i thought i would get my period at any moment, and since these were some really strong cramps i thought it would be a ton of blood. jokes on me again since there has not a single drop of blood.

i am clinging to the hope that it meant that i ovulated, which is good but i can't prove it since i didn't have any opk's to test with. oh yeah and did i mention that when i entered my temp from friday morning, fertilityfriend.com decided that i ovulated two days earlier...the hits keep on coming. so we "baby danced" anyway and hopefully by the time i have my ultrasound on tuesday there will something visible. i know that's nearly impossible but i'm still hopeful.

i'm supposed keep a positive attitude...right?

13 Viles of Blood!?!?!

today i met with a gyn office close to my home. the practice is very friendly and consists only of women...not something i chose b/c i really don't care if its a man or woman looking at the goods...its all the same. nonetheless i was very excited to see some friendly faces as well as the patients in the waiting room with their babies in tow.

i met with a certified nurse midwife and was surprised at how thorough and knowledgeable she was. she was also very caring and gentle. i guess i got the best of both worlds with a doctor and nurse rolled into one! when i told her i didn't think that i was ovulating she started asking me questions that were leading to PCOS. i told her that i was thinking it could be PCOS and she said that she was asking not to confirm just to gauge my symptoms. she also pointed out that i didn't appear to be the typical PCOS patient...i agreed but also let her know that i had done my research and found that there are several types of PCOS that included lean women as well as overweight women. she joked that i must have done my homework and i clued her into my "planning" nature.

all in all it was a good meeting and exam. she said that she would send me for a pelvic ultrasound just to see what is going on in there, and that she would have their phlebotomist draw blood for all of the necessary tests (to include fertility and preconception panels). i am to see her a week after my ultrasound to review all of the results. she also started me on prenatal vitamins.

my next step was to visit the phlebotomist...it took her a while to come back after she saw the rundown of tests but i patiently sat. when she returns she said, "we have to draw alot of blood today!" i'm thinking that's ok, i've donated blood before so this can't be too bad. she starts filling the tubes 2...3...6...7..."you're not gonna pass out on me, right?" "of course not i'm fine."...10...12..."ok, one more." thirteen viles in all!!!

now that the vampires have sucked me dry all i have to do is wait. wait for the ultrasound. wait for the next appointment. wait for the results!

oh, and i cracked my tooth yesterday so my next stop was to the dentist. it was pretty painless and he was probably the nicest dentist i have ever met with.

the day ended with one of the quickest interviews i have ever been on.

so today was a day of firsts and records, hopefully they all go good hand in hand.

Trying To Remain Optimistic

i believe my fears are coming true...on friday the fertility monitor went back down to low fertility. i never got a peak reading and don't believe i ovulated. this make the second cycle without a sign of ovulation. i really hope that this doesn't mean we are starting a long road of unhappiness and frustration.

hell, i'm already frustrated. but i keep trying to tell myself that i can square it away at the doctor's this week. i really hope so. i hope that i don't get laughed at or get told that i have wait even longer before they will become proactive about finding out why my body is so crazy.

if there is one thing that i want for my birthday (friday), its to get some really good news that this won't be a horrible year to come full of tests, drugs, treatments, and procedures.

i just want a baby...is that too much to ask?

The Beginning of Something Beautiful

first comes love...check!

then comes marriage...check, check!!

then comes a baby...whoa, wait a minute!

so here we are finally at the baby stage. it's been rough getting here. we had to wait a while due to my foot/leg issues, but now we have been given the a-ok so we are diving in without worry.

...did i say without worry?

anyone who knows me, knows that i plan the shit out of everything i do. well this baby business is scary because i can't plan a thing about it. or should i say my body won't let me.

it used to be a good thing in high school when everyone else was complaining about cramps. i finally joined them (or so i thought) in the summer between freshman and sophmore year, what i didn't know was that it was a limited time event. aunt flow didn't rear her ugly head again until the middle of junior year. and then not again until senior year.

this seemed to be a trend as i would go months without so much as one red dot, and them blam! like a ton of bricks i was doubled over so bad, throwing up, and bleeding so much i thought i was going to die. i never knew when she would visit, and i didn't care.

fast forward to when mike and i first started dating. i was so scared that i would get pregnant. i went to the gyn for the first time and immediately started on birth control pills. a regimen that would become my daily requirement until my first foot surgery. i remember being nervous again (because i couldn't take them) and getting flashbacks to when we first started dating. it was short lived, as i started them up again a few months later.

this time around with my second foot surgery, i wanted to track all of my "signs" so that i would be prepared for when the doc finally told us i was cleared for baby making. well i guess my body missed the memo and decided to take a vacation from all fertility related signals. that first cycle was fine but the second (57 days), i never thought it would end.

on august 18th, the foot doc gave me the good news 3 months early that i was cleared to go through pregnancy (that is: my body could finally handle it without crippling me). woohoo! but wait, i dont' even know what my body has been doing lately. 3 days later aunt flow showed up and i breathed a sigh of relief...ahhh!

fast forward to today...i am becoming jaded because its day 24 of my cycle and i have had 12 high fertility days on the clear blue easy fertility monitor (cbefm) with not even a sign of ovulation (temping or otherwise).

i know it's only our first cycle trying, but i think i am beginning to start feeling jaded about this whole process. have we wasted 8 years of money on birth control and worry about being careful for nothing???

hopefully my new gyn can shed some light at my appointment next week...